Capacity-Building Skills for Public Officials, Express

Michigan State University Extension
Boardsmanship - 03140001
06/05/00

Capacity-Building Skills for Public Officials, Express Yourself (Without turning others off!)

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No. 314
Objectives of this bulletin:

1. To present information to aid in understanding
confidence and means to develop this characteristic.
2. To develop knowledge of basic personality styles, their
characteristics and uses.
3. To present the Assertive style as a model of useful
behavior.
4. To reinforce the confidence of participants through
increased understanding of their personality strengths.

While the focus of these bulletins is the public official,
the material covered is appropriate for all Extension
audiences.

CONTENTS

Page
I. Introduction 1
II. Understanding and Developing Confidence
III. The "A-B-C Theory" of Behavior
IV. Analyzing Behavior Styles
V. The Assertive Style Delineated
VI. Messages and Their Meanings
VI. Necessary Behavior Skills
VII. How Do We Change?
IX. Summary
For Further Reading In This Area

APPENDICES
A-1 Who Am I? Strengths and Weaknesses
A-2 Self-Image Notes
B Effects of Behavior Styles
C The Dominating Secretary
D Behavior Styles Practice

Series developed through the courtesy of
Cooperative Extension Service, Michigan State
University and the Michigan Townships Association

I. Introduction

"I just sat there and let the others take over! I was too
afraid that I would sound like I was trying to dominate the
board, and so I didn't add anything."

Does this sound familiar? Too often public officials don't
try to express themselves because they don't quite know
how. This happens particularly when a controversial subject
is under discussion. Public officials often are not
confident about how to tread that fine line between
disagreeing and appearing disagreeable As a result, they
sit in frustrated silence, which is beneficial neither to
them, to their fellow officials nor to their constituents.
Public officials recognize a primary obligation to their
communities to do their best to make a difference in the
quality of local government. Being comfortable in
expressing themselves so that others understand them is a
part of that primary obligation.

II. Understanding and Developing Confidence

To develop an appropriate competence in easy self
expression, you need to understand the concept of
confidence. Confidence is an expression of self-evaluation.
Whether that evaluation is positive or negative will be
manifested through the extent of confidence experienced by
the individual. Confidence, then, is a matter of
self-perceptions that you may or may not be aware you hold.
Confidence, or the lack of it, is shown externally by the
way you carry yourself, by your posture and by your ease of
eye contact with others. If you feel confident, you can
interact with others with reasonable comfort, face new
people and new situations, and engage in some risk-taking
behavior from time to time, such as confronting difficult
people, expressing opinions contrary to those of the
majority, etc. It could be said that confidence is the
ability to "look the world in the eye."

Obviously the local policy maker needs to have a well
developed personal sense of confidence to be effective in
the community. With some objective self analysis, you may
discover that certain negative self-concepts may have been
limiting your sense of self-worth. Such negative
self-perceptions often do not stand the test of rational
self-analysis and honest comparison with others around us.
Such perceptions may well be emotional "excess baggage"
carried, unnecessarily, from earlier experiences and not
valid now. A realistic appraisal of who you are NOW can
reorient possibly outmoded ideas of self and give fresh
view of your ability to meet life with a real sense of your
capabilities. Only then can you as a local official truly
take a valued and respected place in serving the local
community.

In attempting to develop confidence, it is helpful to focus
on personality strengths rather than on weaknesses and/or
past failures. Too often people continually recall past
experiences in which they were not as capable as they
wished to be. From these they make comparisons with others
they observe, invariably to their own detriment. In this
instance, it is important to recognize that each person
knows only what "shows" in another person. Some people are
able to cover their inadequacies better than others To seem
to be confident does not reveal what a person may be
struggling with internally. Thus, each person must
ascertain his/her own desire to succeed in developing
confidence and the possible rewards for success, and then
proceed with a conscious awareness of the strengths he/she
possesses that can be used in the attempt. Being willing to
take the risk of trying new behaviors or eliminating old
patterns of reaction can be the beginning of healthy
changes toward increased confidence. Though you may not be
willing to risk arguing a point with the chairperson of the
board, you may risk volunteering to serve on a new
committee. Often it is easier to begin to take risks toward
making change in the security of our home environment,
rather than in the public setting. As confidence develops.
it is easier to take behavioral risks in public. This is
the beginning of developing confidence.

Reaching out in small steps to try new experiences is
helpful. Success builds on success. If you fail from time
to time, it is easy to start over from a small attempt.
Momentary failure or frustration is often a part of the
learning process. To fail at a particular attempt to reach
out in new or different ways doesn't mean you're "a
failure" -failing now and then means you're human! Everyone
needs to reserve the right to fail sometimes and then to
try again, As an elected official, you cannot expect never
to make mistakes, always to be ready for every human
situation that comes along. With diligent work, with
continued self- analysis and with the courage to keep
trying, however, you can develop self-confidence to a
comfortable level and utilize your inherent capabilities,

Another scenario, quite different from the one referred to
in the introduction to this bulletin, can sometimes be
observed in the local governmental setting. A typical
instance was voiced recently by a city official in
reference to council meetings, "Our meetings go pretty well
until our planner gets crossways of someone- which happens
too often! Then he acts like he's the mayor, only worse, He
tells everybody what they should think and why they are
stupid to think what they do. He is so overbearing it's
disgusting!"

Clearly, that city planner doesn't lack confidence @or does
he? On the surface he certainly has more than enough, and
that may actually be true. Some people
have confidence to the point of selfish egotism. They tend
to be people who are insensitive to the feelings and needs
of others. Often, they fail to realize how others react to
them. Such people may honestly feel they are correct in
their views and are simply expressing them, unaware of
others' negative reactions. Unfortunately, it is not
unusual for a group such as a local governmental board or
council to reinforce such behavior by allowing such people
to dominate and bully others. Once such a reputation for
devastating behavior is established, others who are less
than assertive may make no attempts to show that this is
unacceptable behavior. Thus the perpetrator has no reason
to try to behave more considerably or reasonably.

The group can indicate disapproval of this behavior without
totally alienating the aggressive person. The group can
refuse to accept the behavior by questioning the source of
the information, by assertively standing up to the
individual and, if necessary, by clearly stating that the
group cannot tolerate domination or disparagement of any of
its members. These actions will have to be taken repeatedly
to be finally recognized by the generally insensitive,
aggressive person. It may be such a severe problem that the
leader may need to speak to the disturbing person
privately, and straightforwardly tell him/her that such
negative behavior is not appropriate in working with peers
and limits the effectiveness of the group. If this doesn't
cause behavioral change, in extreme cases the group may
need to impose certain sanctions in the meetings
themselves, such as time limitations on speakers or
ejection of the disturbing person from the meeting. Usually
it is not necessary to use such an extreme measure as this
but the leader must put the welfare of the whole group
and/or its constituents before the ego needs of any one
person.

Often, a seemingly aggressive, "overconfident" person is
actually compensating for insufficient confidence. Such
people hold negative self-concepts but cover them with
aggressive behavior. "If I make enough noise, maybe they
won't notice..., "Sadly, this tactic often works so well
that there is no necessity for facing the inner
uncertainties and working to develop a more positive
self-image. An effective way to deal with a person who may
be covering by blustering is to challenge his/her thinking
while also giving him/her such reinforcement of his/her
worth as can honestly be given. Insecurity is the problem
here, so if the person is helped to see inner strengths
while challenged on the reasons for aggressively stated
opinions, it may serve to help give him/her a clearer, more
positive self-view.

III. The "A-B-C Theory" of Behavior

If lack of confidence is a problem, one way to develop new,
positive behavior is through Albert Ellis' "A-B-C Theory"
of behavior. Ellis, an eminent psychotherapist and author,
writes that many people fail to develop new,
growth-oriented behavior because they constantly tell
themselves negative "inner sentences. At Point "A": you
are asked to do something and you feel you lack the
confidence to do it (example: chair a committee, give a
report, etc. At Point "B": as soon as you are asked, you
use a negative inner sentence, such as "I can't," "I would
fail," "I would be too nervous," "I can't talk well in
public." At Point "C": your resultant behavior is to
decline, or to accept with a surety of failure. It looks
this way:

A B C
Demand Inner Resulting
on Sentence Behavior
Self (+ or -)

If the inner sentence could be positive, or at least
modified from a definite negative, you then have the
possibility of daring to try something new. For instance,
the immediate inner sentence could be, "I guess I could
try," or "Maybe I could do it." Then the door is open to
change, to growth: to learning that one can grow. When the
inner sentence is a flat-out negative, growth or
development is impossible. Developing an awareness of the
direction of the inner sentence used can be a helpful first
step in developing more assurance in interacting with
others in the public setting. Continued practice can result
in a habit of using positive inner sentences, with the
resulting ability to face new situations and to grow from
these experiences.1)

IV. Analyzing Behavior Styles

As confidence develops, you as a public official must learn
effective ways to communicate with others. Observations of
people in group settings frequently show four types of
behavioral styles. Some are positive and effective, some
are not. Most of us tend to use two or three, to varying
extents, in daily interactions. One of these styles, or
ways of dealing with others, is more effective in a
majority of situations than the others. It is based on
quiet confidence, the ability to stand up for your beliefs
and respect for others. A common name for this style,
which allows the individual to be expressive without being
offensive, is the Assertive style.

Before examining the Assertive style in greater detail,
look at the basic characteristics of all four of these most
common styles of behavior.

1. Passive Style

You may have times when you are just not interested in what
is going on around you, and you don't care to take an
active role. At other times, you may know that others are
more knowledgeable or skilled in a particular area and so
you choose a passive role. In these situations, a passive
role is probably a healthy choice. The passive role becomes
negative when you choose it habitually, regardless of your
potential. Then it reinforces insecurities and negative
self-concepts that hinder development. Use of risk-taking
behavior is important to overcome negative uses of passive
behaviors. Several types of passive people are seen: people
who choose to be passive at particular times; people who
have few opinions of their own; people who do not believe
in their own opinions. Passive people tend to have these
characteristics:

- little self-approval.
- need for direction and/or support from others.
- submissive or compliant attitude.
- a need to please those they perceive as having power.
- "agreeable" demeanor so they don't offend anyone.
- indifference to the immediate situation.

2. Aggressive Style

Though aggressive behavior sometimes has a selfish
motivation, you may find yourself acting aggressive by the
force with which you express your opinions or proceed
toward certain goals. As long as you do not exclude other
people or their interests, this is not a negative use of
aggression. When a person behaves aggressively without
regard for possible value to be gained from others, or
respect for associates, aggressive behavior is then
limiting and negative. Four types of aggressive people are
seen: those who have strong opinions and back them up with
their actions; people who knowingly dominate others and
enjoy it; those whose selfish single-mindedness results in
domination; those who overcompensate for their insecurities
by domineering behaviors. Aggressive people:

- are goal-oriented.
- need or enjoy power and control.
- are poor listeners
- are action-oriented
- have a hard-driving nature.
- can be ruthless and manipulating.
- are closed to views other than their own.
- are insensitive to another's needs or feelings.
- are self-focused.

3. Martyr Style

Generally, the Martyr style is a negative example of
behavior. Martyrs tend to manipulate others, rather than
straightforwardly asking for what they want They often use
pessimism or guilt to get others to do as they want. It is
important to examine your behavior to see if you are using
others in this negative fashion. There are times, however,
when you may "martyr" yourself knowingly, by risking your
reputation, public image or even your job for a cause you
believe in, or a controversial individual you feel you must
support. You use such behavior knowing there is a risk and
you are still willing to do it. The negative aspects of the
martyr style do not pertain to these risks of choices
beyond personal security. Clearly then, three types of
martyrs may be observed: those who hold pessimistic and
gloomy attitudes; those who martyr purposefully to produce
guilt in others, and those who knowingly espouse a
risk-producing cause or situation.

The general characteristics of martyrs are these:

- negative in life-view.
- pessimistic
- closed to new ideas or to others' ideas.
- self-defensive.
- willing to engage in self-sacrifice.
- blameful.
- prone to use the past to predict the future in negative
ways.
- guilt-producing.
- highly manipulative.

4. Assertive Style

This is ideally the most well-rounded person. The Assertive
style is presented as a model of behavior. Self-analysis
may show you times you can be quietly confident and
assertive, and other times when you use one of the other
three styles more than this one This is to be expected and
nothing to worry about! A goal may be to be more aware of
the degree of worth of the other styles in particular
situations. To learn to question your choice of behavior,
ask, "Would greater use of the Assertive style cause me to
be more effective in this situation?" As awareness of
choice of style and its worth increases, it becomes easier
to make the choice that will lead you to the most effective
use of style. Using assertive behavior may be risky at
times, so it is helpful to be especially well prepared
before entering a situation where you will attempt to be
assertive. This helps overcome any insecurities you may
feel. The characteristics of assertive people are:

- a positive life view.
- self-confidence.
- respect for others.
- an understanding and empathetic nature
- flexibility in dealing with others.
- strong commitment to whatever is undertaken.
- acceptance of responsibility
- open-mindedness.

Though it is always difficult to be objective a no
yourself, it is worth the effort to try to do so. The
following continuums, if marked as objectively as possible,
can give some insight into your personal style Please
review the characteristics listed and mark an "x" where you
find yourself in your typical daily interactions (Place
your mark anywhere along the line that is appropriate to
your self-assessment.)

1. Passive Style
0 10

Seldom, Sometimes; Very often;
if ever Moderately Usually

2. Aggressive Style
0 10
Seldom, Sometimes; Very often;
if ever Moderately Usually

3. Martyr Style
0 10
Seldom, Sometimes; Very often;
if ever Moderately Usually

4. Assertive Style
0 10
Seldom, Sometimes; Very often;
if ever Moderately Usually

When you're finished with the style ratings, it can be very
helpful to discuss your ratings with others with whom you
work, reacting to such questions as:

- Am I content with my ordinary style?
- Is my usual style effective with others?
- Do others seem to see me as I see myself? Do they react
to me as I expect?
- What might be some reasons that I use styles that may not
be the most effective in my interactions with others?
- Would I like to become more assertive?2)
- What behaviors would I need to change, or to learn, to
become more assertive?
- Do I dare risk trying new behaviors? In what situations
could I try? Is it easier at particular times? If so,
what are those situations? How can I extend those times?

V. The Assertive Style Delineated

The term "Assertive," is sometimes misused in describing
Aggressive behavior. A major difference is that Assertive
persons are respectful of others Aggressive people move
directly toward their objective, and sometimes give little
consideration for the thoughts, knowledge, feelings or
beliefs of others Assertive people, by contrast, have
confidence in the validity of their objectives, but are
willing to show respect for others as they move toward
their objectives.
When you are trying to speak up, as described in a common
scenario in the introduction to this bulletin, it is
necessary to test your motivation for wanting to be more
involved in the group. If you are attempting to express
honest belief but are willing to listen to the beliefs of
others, this illustrates assertive behavior. If, on the
other hand, you express or imply that there are few beliefs
worth hearing, different from yours, that tends to be
aggressive behavior Having an open mind is typical of
assertive people Aggressive people may or may not be open
to input from others. All elected officials have both a
right and an obligation to express themselves whenever they
have something to say How they do it, however, is crucial
Beliefs that are expressed assertively are usually
acceptable to others When you use aggressive, dominating
behavior and attempt to influence others in an unfair
manner, however, your behavior is seldom respected.

People will tolerate inappropriate behavior for some time,
but sooner or later the individual loses all credibility
with others and is made to know it. Fellow officials cease
to try to communicate with the person who they expect to
act aggressively and rudely, and they increasingly exclude
him/her from informal interactions. Other people's trust of
the domineering person becomes eroded, and disgruntled
citizens may finally protest openly against his/her
domineering, disparaging behavior. Indulging in hostile,
aggressive behavior in the public setting may win the
battle at the moment, but it surely loses the war in the
long run.

VI. Messages and Their Meanings

Assertive behavior is often expressed in "I" messages,
rather than "You" messages Examples are: "I didn't
understand what you meant," rather than,"You didn't say
that clearly ." Or,"I don't agree with your position,"
rather than,"You're all wrong to think what you do." Or, "I
would appreciate a chance to express my views now," rather
than, "You've talked enough it's my turn!" The "I" message
is not egotistical or selfish it is a direct, honest,
non-judgmental, non-threatening statement. As the examples
illustrate, however, the "You" message is dominating,
disrespectful, judgmental and very threatening. The
assertive "I" message expresses an honest feeling, opinion
or belief, without causing hostility. The receiver of such
a message can take it or leave it, so to speak. It doesn't
demand a response, as does the judgmental "You" message.
That kind of message clearly gives receivers two choices:
they can meet it passively, submitting to the aggressor, or
they can accept the inherent threat and "come out
fighting". "When hostility is met with hostility, a
conflict immediately develops. Then no one wins neither
the organization, the combatants nor anyone else present.

To better understand the assertive "I" message, as opposed
to the aggressive "You" message, practice turning the
following (negative) "You" messages into (positive) "I"
messages:

- "You don't know what you're talking about!"
- "You make me mad!"
- "You shouldn't do that!"
- "You don't have a right to talk now!"3)

When you have turned these "You" messages into honest,
direct, non-threatening "I" messages, take some "You"
messages commonly heard in public meetings and practice
turning those into "I" messages Notice that all the "You"
message examples have hostile implications They are
disrespectful of the receiver and do, indeed, demand a
response, either submission or reactive hostility. Public
officials who can behave assertively, and honestly state
their own position without resorting to manipulation of
others are both wise and courageous These people will find
a high degree of acceptance in group interactions

The "I" message and the "You" message are at opposite ends
of a behavioral continuum. Between those extremes, there is
often a legitimate place for a "We" message. A "We" message
can be effectively used: 1) to show inclusion of others,
as, "We need to work together on this problem"; 2) to
express commonly held beliefs or opinions, such as "We
believe this course of action is the way to proceed"; 3) as
a conciliatory message, as, "I'm sorry we disagree on this;
let's see if we can work it out together" The dangers of
the "We" message are: 1) that the user may be assuming the
"We" without valid evidence or support, thus
misrepresenting others for whom it purports to speak; and
2) it can be used in a patronizing manner (Everyone knows
all the stories of the "We" messages in hospital care, such
as "Are we ready to eat our breakfast?") Patronizing anyone
indicates a basic lack of respect for the individual.

At this point, then, we have learned that to speak up in a
positive, acceptable manner, officials need to:

- Assess their sense of confidence, reinforcing it, if
necessary.
- Practice using positive inner sentences.
- Use assertive behavior.
- Use "I" and "We" messages.4)

VII. Necessary Behavior Skills

To be effective with others, you can learn certain helpful
behavioral skills. One important skill is listening. Real
listening isn't practiced as much as a passive sort of
hearing. In its best sense, listening implies:

- paying close attention to a speaker
- being willing to hear whatever is said, without selecting
out parts of it.
- attempting to keep an open mind.
- asking for clarification when you don't understand.

Some people are very adept at hearing only what they want
to hear Either they don't really attend to the speaker, or
they filter out ideas that may be new or different because
they feel threatened by the unknown This latter process is
called "selective listening " Using selective listening,
people hear only what they already thought they would hear,
or only what they care to hear. In attempting to become a
more valuable, assertive board member, such behavior is
self-defeating Selective listeners never hear anything new
and never test their own knowledge or beliefs. Ultimately,
they never show respect for the others with whom they
associate. Real listening shows flexibility, willingness
to hear another's view and a basic respect for others.

Another behavior important to public officials is the
ability to empathize. Empathy implies:
- attempting to see as another sees.
- trying to understand another's thinking.
- putting oneself in another's place.
- accepting that others' value systems have credibility.

Empathy is sometimes used as a synonym for sympathy.
Sympathy, however, is feeling sorry for another, while
empathy is a feeling of identity with another's feelings or
thinking.

A third behavioral skill to learn is persuasion.
Persuasion implies:
- convincing another to accept your logic.
- showing others reasons to accept the soundness of your
thinking.
- convincing others of the feasibility of your attitudes,
beliefs or values.

Persuasion implies assertiveness, rather than
aggressiveness, as you attempt to convince, rather than use
force of personality, or your position, to gain particular
goals.

Another skill to learn is confronting. Confronting implies:
- looking directly at an opposing person without threat.
- squarely facing issues representing opposing views.
- openly "clearing the air" between people.

Confrontation, if used assertively, can successfully
clarify problems or issues in a positive manner. When the
consequences of not solving a problem between people seem
more threatening than the idea of the confrontation, then
confrontation may be worth the risk If there is significant
hostility present, however, the risks of increasing it may
be too great to attempt confrontation.

VIII. How Do We Change?

In trying to learn to express yourself in positive and
non-threatening ways, you need to realize that old habits
are hard to break. If you have been using passive,
martyring or aggressive behavior in their negative aspects,
change requires:

- an earnest desire to change.
- the will to learn new ways
- definitions of personal rewards from change

Needs, Rights and Obligations

As you sincerely attempt to be increasingly effective by
learning to express yourself well, it is helpful to think
of some basic personality needs, rights and obligations.
Needs and rights are legitimate demands of the self Unless
the search for development and fulfillment of these needs,
rights and demands is accompanied by recognition and
acceptance of certain obligations to others, however, you
can easily slip into aggressive rather than assertive
behaviors Assertive behavior includes a confident
expectation of normal self-development, but aggressive
behavior too often assumes self-fulfillment no matter the
cost. To be more specific, as local policy makers try to do
their jobs well, to be effective with fellow board or
council members and with the public, they need to consider
the following needs, rights and obligations:

1. Needs

a. Belief in self
This includes the acceptance of self as having intrinsic
worth as well as particular abilities, talents, skills and
the potential to develop such qualities. It is important to
see yourself as having characteristics that cause, or can
be developed to cause others to see you as an interesting
and valuable person. A sense of self-worth can free you to
be able to share experiences, ideas or knowledge with
others' to their benefit and your own. It can also enable
you to recognize your particular lacks and feel comfortable
in asking others for their help when you need to. To admit
a lack is threatening only to the person who has limited
self-belief and self-acceptance.

b. Honest self-expression

People cannot justifiably cast blame on others for using,
abusing or ignoring them if they never state their feelings
or beliefs in a clear and honest way. Often those close to
them, particularly, are expected to be mind readers and
"see through" word games or other verbal subterfuges.
Others may not hear what they want to hear, or expect to
hear, when honest opinions are expressed. However, this is
the only way to begin a real communication. (Diplomacy is
important to use in this context-- a little tact goes a
long way!)

c. Desire for self-fulfillment

Unless each individual has a real need to assert
her/himself and to develop innate potential, self-
fulfillment probably won't happen. No one can be pushed
into self-development. Circumstances may set the stage and
show you advantages in such development-- such as possibly
improved personal relationships, better job opportunities,
etc. But actually changing your behavior will come only
through your inner determination to do so.

Another basic need that must be acknowledged is the need to
ascertain particular human rights, and then to confidently
stand up for those rights.5)

2. Rights

a. The right to expect respect as a human being.
b. The right to have our ideas heard.
c. The right to have feelings and opinions and to express
them.
d. The right to behave as we feel is proper for us.
e. The right to object to others' actions concerning us.
f. The right to say "No" to excess demands and not feel
guilty about it.
g. The right to fail at our efforts at times
h. The right to make mistakes
i. The right to say "I don't know" and to ask for help.

Assertion of such basic human rights must include the
concomitant acceptance of certain obligations to others,
also.

3. Obligations

a. The obligation to treat others with respect.
b. The obligation to keep our word to others.
c. The obligation to try not to hurt others.
d. The obligation to be sensitive to others' self-
development needs.
e. The obligation not to take advantage of others.
f. The obligation to be responsible for the results of our
actions.

As you think of the material given above, ask yourself the
following questions:

1. Do I understand the difference between "aggression" and
"assertion," as presented above? (Review earlier pages, if
necessary.)

2. Am I perceived negatively as aggressive or positively as
assertive by those close to me?

3. Am I perceived as passive to a negative extent?

4. Am I perceived as a pessimistic martyr or
martyr/manipulator?

5. If I don't like either my self-image or my perceived
image in others' eyes, do I have the motivation to try to
change?

6. Do I honestly and confidently believe in my right to
self-development and self-assertion? (You may not be so
confident about how to accomplish it, but you certainly can
be confident about the right and the need for the
development of self.)

7. As I try to learn and practice new behaviors, will I be
able to realize that my changing may be threatening to
those close to me and be able to reassure them by use of
compromise, or bending, behaviors when necessary?
(Remember: change upsets the status quo, and that in itself
can be seen as a threat to others. This increases the risk
as we try to change.)

8. As I recognize my needs and assert my rights, am I
willing to fulfill my obligations to those around me, as
well as to myself?

IX. Summary

You can learn to express yourself without turning others
off by following these guidelines:

1. Review your accepted images of yourself, which provide
your sense of confidence.

2. Be willing to risk some new behavior that will challenge
those concepts.

3. Use the "A-B-C Theory" and positive inner sentences.

4. Analyze your behavior style and practice learning
behaviors that will be more acceptable and thereby more
effective.

5. Practice using the confident, respectful Assertive style

6. Develop the ability to use direct, honest "I" messages

7. Become skilled in
a. listening
b. empathy
c. persuasion
d. confrontation

8. Learn to understand and to stand up for your needs,
rights and obligations.

9. Believe in yourself respect others!

"I" messages derived from the "You" messages:

- "I believe there is more information that would aid you
in this area."
- "I feel angry because of your behavior (or remarks)."
- "I really prefer that you not do that"
- "I would appreciate it if you would hold your remarks
until later."

For Further Reading In This Area

A New Guide to Rational Living. Albert Ellis, Wilshire Book
Co.

Communications in Community Groups, No. 36-7. The NCR
Series on Community Development and Human Relations.
Robinson & Clifford, University of Illinois at Urbana-
Champaign

How to Overcome Your Fears MP Leahy, Wilshire Book Co.

Guide to Developing Your Potential. Herbert A. Otto,
Wilshire Book Co.

Personality Development. Lucy Rau Ferguson. Brooks/Cole
Publishing Co.

You and Me-- The Skills of Communicating and Relating to
Others. Gerard Egan, Brooks/Cote Publishing Co.

Your Thoughts Can Change Your Life. Donald Curtis, Witshire
Book Co.

FOOTNOTES

1) Refer to Appendix A -1, "Who Am I?" and A-2, "Self Image
Notes."

2) Refer to Appendix B,"Effects of Behavior Styles"

3) Refer to examples of these "You" messages turned into
"I" messages

4) Refer to Appendix C, "The Dominating Secretary ."

5) Refer to Appendix D, "Behavior Styles Practice."

APPENDICES
Appendix A-1

WHO AM I?
STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES

Using about five minutes, list your weaknesses and your
strengths below. Keep thinking and writing all the time. Do
not joke about them or in any way discuss them with others.
Be as honest as you can with both positive and negative
qualities. (A few words or brief phrases will be adequate.)
Write all you are able in the time allotted.

STRENGTHS WEAKNESSES

Which column was longer? What does this say to you?

Appendix A-2

SELF-IMAGE NOTES

For the next five minutes, think about yourself. You have
a self-concept-- a sort of mental image of yourself that
you carry in your mind's eye. Think about it and write a
few notes about it. Think of such things as:

1. The image you have of you, as a person.

2. The image you think others have of you (how you affect
others).

Perhaps the following questions will help you describe
yourself: (Don't try to answer all these questions
individually, but use them as a guide in thinking of your
effect on others, as well as your own sense of self. )

1. What kind of personality do you have? Is it very
different in different settings at home, at works with
peers, with friends? How?

2. What do you think you offer to friends and fellow
officials as a person?

3. How do others react to your personality? How do your
friends see you? Your fellow officials? Your constituents?
4. What are areas of personality you would like to develop?

5. What type of image do you project in relation to success
in your job or professional life?

Now sum up what you feel is your self-image and describe it
below:

In the space below, write down ways you could improve your
self-image.

Appendix B

EFFECTS OF BEHAVIOR STYLES

BEHAVIOR
INTERACTIONS AGGRESSIVE MARTYR PASSIVE ASSERTIVE

Attitude to- I'm OK I'm not OK You're OK I'm OK
ward others You're not You're not I'm not You're OK
OK OK OK
Attitude to- He/she must He/she never I must do I consider
ward spouse do as I say does what I what he/she his/her
say wants opinion
We do it
together
Contribution A driving A basic Highly Mutual respon
to partner- force; may hindrance agreeable, sibility
ship dictate but and a fol-
action lower

Approach to Strict Inconsistent; Smothering Understanding.
children discipline sends guilt or clinging Discipline fair
messages love but firm

Attitude to- Highly moti- Lets it be Willing to Deep
ward work vated to get known how help but involve-
results hard he/she seldom ment
works initiates

Approach to Ignores;tries Passes the Talks Explores,
problems to make them buck or them; about weighs,
appear trivial blames other little reaches
party for prob- con-
lem clusions

Communication Talks but Talks today, Chatters Listens
does not deep silence & agrees; and
listen tomorrow. wants then speaks
questions; tact-
Manipulates fully
others' ap- but
proval honestly
through guilt

Appendix C

THE DOMINATING SECRETARY

Anna, a secretary of our planning commission seems to
consider herself in charge of everybody who works in the
office. Although she has never been appointed "in charge"
of the other secretary, Anna plays that role with her,
which causes some problems. The greater problem, however,
is that she tells the professional staff when they will be
able to get their work typed, what is appropriate to do and
how it should be done. In a small office, in a small
community where everyone knows each other well, it is
frustrating and embarrassing. The former chairperson of the
commission would not deal with this problem. Now we have a
new chairperson who is an effective communicator. We hope
she will handle the problem of the dominating secretary.
Questions:

1. What behavior style is Anna using?
2. What behavior style did the former chairperson use?
3. How might the new chairperson use "I" and "We" messages
to work out the problems with Anna?

BEHAVIOR STYLES PRACTICE

After reading through the concepts presented in this text,
practicing them is the next important step in learning to
use them daily. With real effort, they can become a part of
the daily behavior, a part of what is called "personality."

Study each of the following problems, as though you were
actually experiencing them Concentrate particularly on
understanding assertive behavior and recognizing the
negative effects of aggressive, passive and martyring
behaviors Public officials who can use assertive behavior
will significantly increase their effectiveness with the
public and their acceptability by other officials.

Problem A

You have just taken office as the new city clerk and are
trying to understand what you have to do in your new job.
When you find certain details to be confusing, you go to
the former clerk and ask for help in clarification. You are
met with, "Well, you should be smart enough to figure this
out just like I had to!" said in a very snippy manner,
designed to make you feel like a fool.

1. What would your real feelings be at this point?

2. How would you act following this response? What does
this tell you about yourself?

3. Would your sense of confidence carry you through this
"put-down"?

4. If you were to respond with passive behavior, what
specific things might you say or do?

5. If you were to respond with martyr behavior, what
specific things might you say or do?

6. If you were to respond with aggressive behavior, what
specific things might you say or do?

7. How could you use assertive behavior to respond to this
situation? (Give specific examples again. )

8. Which style has the best chance of a positive result?
Why?

Problem B

You are the township supervisor and are presiding at a
board meeting. Most of the citizens attending are there to
protest the placement in their neighborhood of an adult
foster care group home. You also question the wisdom of
this particular siting but feel the people should recognize
that local government has no real control over the
decision. You keep trying to explain this, but get drowned
out by the clamor of the irate citizens Finally, one
person, who is known to be bad tempered, stands up and
shouts out, "If you can't represent us better than that,
we'd better recall you!"

1. What would your real feelings be at this point?

2. How would you act? Would you engage in a hostile or
defensive shouting match? Or would you be intimidated by
the person?

3. Would your sense of confidence carry you through this
attack?

4. Develop some "I" messages you could use to respond to
this negative behavior.(Remember, they are direct
expressions of feelings, designed to bring about better
understanding. )

5. How could you use listening, persuasion, empathy or
confrontation to help this situation?

Problem C

You are an elected official attending the annual MTA
convention. During a discussion of allocation of road
funds, some members from the big urban townships are
complaining loudly about unfair allocations in their
townships. When people from your part of the state try to
be heard about their problems, the others just ignore them,
saying, "You people up there in those rural townships don't
know what problems are!"

You feel this is rude, unfair and also incorrect You know
certain facts that would prove that some northern townships
have been treated more unfairly than the ones who are
complaining. You would like to be able to tell them so!

1. What would your feelings be about the rude behavior
you've just experienced? Would you let them keep belittling
the problems of your friends and you? Would you be able to
speak up, assertively, and tell them the statistics you
know?

2. How would you really act, in this situation?

3. Review the assertive behavior principles. How do your
needs, rights and obligations apply to this situation? (Be
specific.)

4. How could you use "I" or "We" messages in response to
the attack described above?

5. What are possible ways in which listening, empathy,
persuasion or confrontation could be employed to turn
around this situation?

Problem D

You are a new commissioner. The chairperson of the
commission just asked you to fill in for him in
representing the county in an important court hearing. You
have never been in this position before and are petrified
at the idea. You tell him you couldn't do it. The
chairperson just doesn't understand such a response and is
very upset with you.

1. What would your feelings be at this time? Would you feel
humiliated? Would you feel frustrated? Would you want to
change your response?

2. How does Ellis' A-B-C Theory apply here?

3. What positive inner sentence might you have used to
change your response?

4. Would you have enough confidence to dare to go into a
new situation, even though you feel insecure?

5. Would you dare take the risks required to accept this
new role?

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